Going through a separation is hard and complicated, and when you have children involved too, there is more than just yourself to consider. All children will respond in a different way to divorce, which depends on many factors such as how old they are, their method of expression, and their relationship with each parent. Younger children tend to either be more expressive and vocal, but are resilient and bounce back a lot quicker, whereas older children may struggle to express how they feel, and perhaps feel more anger and confusion over the situation. Not every divorce has to have a negative ending though. It is important that you look after yourself, but also consider how your children feel and support them the best way you can. To do this, there are a range of different steps that you can take to support your family and make the separation as smooth as possible for everyone involved.
Here are some top tips to help your family.
Seek legal support
It is important to first seek legal support about your separation, so you can gain a good understanding of the divorce proceedings, so you can set realistic expectations with the rest of your family when you tell them. Separation is going to be a huge change for your family, and everyone handles it differently. To mitigate some of the struggles that come with huge life changes, knowledge is key. Consider what defines legal separation, what your options are, what the process looks like, and how everything will be divided (e.g. finances, assets and custody of children). When the whole family has a better understanding of what is to come, it can be worked through and dealt with accordingly, whereas when everything is unknown and in limbo, more problems and upset can arise.
Open communication
Some children are very expressive and confident, which means you will have no problem talking to them and understanding how they feel about the situation. On the other hand, there are children that find it hard to express how they are feeling, or even understand themselves. It is important therefore to open up communication and conversations around the situation and provide a hand of support to your children, so they have a safe space they can open up and talk about it. Here are some ideas to help you get started:
- Make it known to your children that you are there to talk to whenever they need
- Set time aside on a regular basis to talk to your children, and to actively listen to what they have to say
- When your children talk to you about anything, try not to interrupt, or use technological devices at the same time, and give them your full attention
- Make it a habit to talk to your children about (child-friendly) aspects of your day and how you feel
- Talk about feelings and emotions, both good and bad without judgement
- Include your children in conversations by asking how they feel about the task at hand, or the plan for the day, for example
- While actively listening is important, you should also take note of your children’s body language, to see what it is telling you, as it may differ from what they are saying
These actions will help build trust and better communications between you and your children. If you have not had this kind of relationship before, it is important to stay patient and give them time as they learn it is safe to open up.
Seek support
As an adult, it is easy to focus on supporting your children. It is just important to look after yourself too. You should seek emotional and mental support to help you through the separation process. This is a huge change for you too, and bottling things up is not good for anyone. When you have someone to support you, this could be a friend, a therapist, or a support group, you can help yourself get through the process, as well as be in a better place, mentally, to support your family. You should also seek support for your children if you feel it is necessary. Make sure they have friends, family members and even a therapist as well to talk to and support them mentally and emotionally through the process, so they know they are not alone.
Address common myths about separation
There are a lot of common myths when it comes to a couple separating, so it can be helpful to address these with your family, so they know that their separations aren’t always a negative experience, and how you can take action and move forward in a positive way. When you have children, their opinions and feelings on separation are going to be highly influenced by the media, tv programs and films they have watched, and their peers at school. Some of the most common myths about separation that you should consider addressing with your children are:
- Divorce is negative for the family and tears them apart
- Divorce affects future relationships
- Divorce means you won’t see one parent again/very often
Addressing these common narratives is a great way to reassure your children that your separation can be positive for everyone involved, that they are still loved and will help the impact of being hurt with the divorce. Talking about these things is a much better option than shielding them from it, as children now have access to a lot of information via the internet and social media. If you address them, it can help them significantly.
Avoid blame
Regardless of the circumstances that surround the divorce, it is important to put on a civil front for the children, and not to assign blame to either spouse. Try to keep the conversations with your children positive, and avoid at all costs being negative about the other parent. It is important that when talking to your children, that you consider their age and understanding, and allow them to take responsibility for their own opinions and feelings of their parents. Make sure you never put your children in the middle of your situation or arguments, or make them pick sides. This can make an already difficult, and emotional time much harder for them. Make space to listen to them, and let them know that they can come to you if they want to have a conversation with you about your ex and anything to do with the divorce.
Stay in contact
If for any reason, the circumstances of the divorce mean one parent is unable to see the children as often, as usual, it is important that the parent stays in contact as much as possible, as long as it is safe to do so. See if you can organise play dates, meal times or share the weekends, alternatively, if you cannot see the children face to face, then perhaps you can use video conferencing software such as Skype or Zoom, or stay in contact by phone calls. This will help your children stay connected with you, and still feel like they are cared for by both parents, it also makes it fair for both parents to maintain their relationship with their children.
Stick to usual routines
An excellent way to support your children through your divorce is to try and maintain normal routines as much as possible. If this is not possible, then create a new routine that suits your children’s happiness and habits. Routines are vital for children, divorce or not, for their wellbeing, development, and to help them feel safe and comfortable. Routines significantly reduce stress, as they provide calm, certainty and predictability in the unknown, and uncertain situations, which is a lot higher if a child’s life has been changed with a divorce. A good routine provides children with a stable foundation to grow and develop in life, and with important skills.
Try a co-parenting style of living
Co-parenting is a popular way to raise children and can be particularly helpful in a divorce. To get started, sit with your ex-partner and come up with some rules around accountability, support and responsibilities, and then you can set your ground rules and boundaries with each other. It is vital that you are all clear on what these will be before sharing them with the rest of your family, to ensure that they are all ironed out to avoid messing around with your children’s routines and emotions. Co-parenting does take a lot of hard work, time, patience and compassion, as you learn how to navigate your new relationship with each other. It is important to take the focus away from yourselves, and pour your energy into your children, as that is the reason you are going there. Children can benefit greatly from watching and experiencing their parents working together as a team and getting along.
Going through a divorce is hard on every family member who is involved, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a frustrating and negative experience. With the right knowledge and strategies, you can support yourself, and your children through your separation and positively navigate your new circumstances.
